Bleed the Freak

It's funny, but every time in my entire career that I've faced a you-can't-get-there-from-here when writing code, it's been resolved by listening to Alice in Chains.  Tonight's song: Bleed the Freak

I honestly have no idea what to think of that.

Oh, well.  At any rate, another life saved ;-)>.  Who knew that, when writing a db2 stored procedure,  Get Diagnostics ROW_COUNT could be confused by a variable assignment within the select statement.  Now I know.

Here's the code snippet in case anyone stumbles across this and needs it.  Hopefully it's clear.  v_vTable and SWV_RowCount were previously declared, as was v_last_block.:

--    The following is absolutely terrible, but GET DIAGNOSTICS ROW_COUNT simply would not work!!! 

--    It was returning 0 no matter what, perhaps confused by the INTO clause?

SET SWV_RowCount = (select count(N_OID_LST) FROM OID_MGMT WHERE C_OID_CL_ABR = v_vTable);

--      GET DIAGNOSTICS SWV_RowCount = ROW_COUNT;   

select N_OID_LST into v_last_block FROM OID_MGMT WHERE C_OID_CL_ABR = v_vTable;

A note for those who mourn

A note for those who mourn:

My grandma, who raised me and was basically my mamma, died in 1991. When I think of her, it still does something to me that I don't quite have words to express, so much so that I have trouble writing this through the tears that her memory brings.

As the years have passed, I've come to view as something really beautiful the fact that one person can love another person so deeply, and that 20 years after her passing, she's still so real, and so present in my life as to inspire such a powerful reaction.  Missing someone a lot reminds you that you loved them a lot, and reassures you that you still do.  I hope I'm always able to enjoy that deep-in-my-bones kind of sadness as an expression of my love for her, until the day I see her again.

Time doesn't heal that hurt, but that's a good thing.  What time DOES do is alter the character of the pain, morphing it from an intense, shrill, constant, and at times overwhelming pain in places you didn't even know existed, into a deep-in-the-bones ache that appears and then subsides, and that is actually sort of beautiful, as odd as that sounds; something like Sarah Mclachlan's "glorious sadness".

I hope that hurt never heals.  I hope I'm always able to shed a few tears and, for a moment now and then, enjoy that glorious sadness as an expression of my love for my grandma, until the day I see her again.

New goop, same grinder

 We give our kids new raw materials to drop into the same old grinder, turn the crank, and think it's fantastic when a different kind of goop drops out the bottom. But we're completely missing the point, because it's the grinder that Jesus wants to remake, not the goop.
le plus ca change le plus de meme chose

Another brick in the wall.

As always seems to happen when I try to write nowadays, I run out of time and energy long before the finished product says what I want it to say.  Oh, well, I'm hitting "Publish" anyway ;-)>

_________

I don't typically fall into anger when I'm hurting anymore.  Part of me actually mourns this as a sort of loss.   I have to admit that there was a comfort there, a well of will and energy, a strength to fortify against whatever sort of doom one faces.

Korn - another brick in the wall:

I confess that, at this point in my life, when I've been hurt deeply, I sort of mourn the ability to just REALLY FEEL this song again - to build a little wall, to withdraw from the world, to pace and strut and sneer at the object of my pain.  It's not tempting to go there again, per se - it's more an old friend that I miss.

The bottom line is that I have a choice in this, and as a disciple of Christ, I choose a different path.  I'll choose to love my enemies, and pray for those who persecute me.  I'll choose to give also my shirt when my coat is demanded, and to turn the other cheek so that they can strike me AGAIN, if they like.  I will choose to forgive, not once, nor twice, nor 7 times, but 70 times 7, and more if necessary.  I will empty myself, trusting that I will again be filled with something good.  I'll sit quietly, and close my eyes, and fill my lungs, and know that He is God.

A message to all humans

A message to all humans

One of the most important speeches in recorded history was given by a comedian by the name of Charlie Chaplin

What's really killing American Jobs

The real issue with the American Dream, circa 2012.

We can’t compete.  This isn’t because we’re lazy and stupid, it’s because the structural impediments are too great.  No matter how hard we work or how smart we are, we cannot make anything as cheaply in the US as it can be made elsewhere, period, so be it, amen.  Doesn’t matter if it’s software or marbles.

There’s a famous interview that I saw on the Colbert Report, in which the CEO of the last US company to make marbles.  The link to this interview is below:

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/365265/november-10-2010/america-s-joSb-loss---beri-fox

She, a small business leader, has one plea:  LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD.

For a manufacturer of marbles from China, which she says is subsidized by their government (I don’t know if that’s ture - haven’t checked), they can produce marbles and ship them anywhere in the US for $0.28 / lb - bringing them half-way around the world, to any site in America.

For her US-based company, their energy costs alone, for Natural Gas, are $0.21 / lb, or 75% of the total cost for the Chinese company

So, I want to make sure that this point is not lost.  Even if you take American Labor, facilities, regulation, etc etc etc COMPLETELY out of the equation, she is spending 75% as much just for her energy as the Chinese company does to produce and ship the product, soup to nuts.

Apple makes a premium product (the i-phone) that they sell for a fantastic profit.  When last I checked, they had more cash on hand than the federal government.  You could reduce their tax rate and that of their top executives to zero, and it’s still not going to cause them to start manufacturing their iphones on US soil.  The ethos of the American corporation is "Why make a 1% profit when you can make a 300% profit?"

We have structural problems that destroy American jobs, and no one is even talking about fixing them.  Currency exchange rates, foreign subsidies for foreign industry, our health care system that burdens businesses with all of that expense and responsibility, tax systems that reward companies for hiring contractors rather than employees, and on and on and on.  

We need to drop the political crazy-talk and start having the conversation about what is REALLY killing American jobs, and start working the problem.

Blessed be Your name...

I didn't want to write this, but as I watch some of you suffer, I realize that you may benefit from it, so I humble myself.  This isn't meant to be a complaint.  Hopefully you benefit.  If not, ignore it.

I'm essentially a functioning agoraphobic.  This isn't nearly as bad as it could be.  For a while I was a non-functioning agoraphobic, which I have no words to describe.

What does it mean to be a functioning agoraphobic?  It means that I started getting panic attacks for really good reasons, but long after those reasons were resolved the panic attacks remained, having taken on a life of their own.  Consequentially, I now get panic attacks because I'm afraid I might get panic attacks.  These can range from symptoms normally associated with a heart attack, to a feeling that I'm very slowly passing out, to feeling as though I'm being sucked out through my face and the world is unreal and terrifying just by its existence.

The only effective treatment for such a thing is "exposure therapy", which essentially means to pick something that triggers an attack, and then do it and do it and do it until it becomes normal again.  Then pick the next thing.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

I could tell a million stories.  When I was getting used to driving again, I would have attacks.  One time, when one was getting really bad, I tried to call my wife.  However, my brain was so scrambled that I couldn't figure out how to operate my cell phone.

On another occasion, I laid in a hotel bed with pains in every part of my body that I can't even describe, moving from wondering if it would kill me to wishing it would.  The pain in my chest was easily a 10 on the 1-10 scale, and radiated into my shoulder and jaw, and I could see my arteries bouncing in a mirror from across the room.

I was willing to undertake such a thing as exposure therapy if the outcome was that I could again be fit an whole at the end of the process.  The big disappointment in all this is that I'm never cured.  I will overcome something for a while, but I eventually regress, and have to overcome it again.

As you can imagine, this is an exhausting process.  This is the part the I see in some of your writings.  It's not a sprint, but a marathon, and it never ends.  It's not a question of "will I finish", but "at what mile marker will I be when I quit or keel over".

When I feel like I absolutely, positively cannot face another moment; that my stamina is gone and I want to give in to it and just never again leave the house, I pull up this video and am encouraged.  I know that some of you don't share my faith.  That's OK - my faith doesn't require you to.   But because this helps me, I want to share it.  Do with it as you will.

I watch this video.  I bless the name of the the Lord, offering Him praise, surrendering to a sense of awe at the order of the universe which is so far beyond my grasp, and my part in it, and it's part in me.  I pray for strength for the task at hand.  I be still, and know that He is God.

And then, both figuratively and literally, I fix my eyes on the ground, ignore those around me, and move my feet, one, then the other, and again, and again ...


Youtube:Newsboys - Blessed be Your Name

"Blessed be your name
when the sun's shining down on me
when the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name.

Blessed be your name
on the road marked with suffering
through there's pain in the offering
blessed be Your name."

At the end of the video, probably my favorite part, he quotes Isaiah 40:28 - 31, and 41:10-13.

Isaiah 40
Do you not know? 
   Have you not heard? 
The LORD is the everlasting God, 
   the Creator of the ends of the earth. 
He will not grow tired or weary, 
   and his understanding no one can fathom. 
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary 
   and increases the power of the weak. 
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary, 
   and young men stumble and fall; 
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD 
   will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; 
   they will run and not grow weary, 
   they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 41
¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you; 
   do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you; 
   ^{I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
11} “All who rage against you 
   will surely be ashamed and disgraced; 
those who oppose you 
   will be as nothing and perish. 
¹² Though you search for your enemies, 
   you will not find them. 
Those who wage war against you 
   will be as nothing at all. 
¹³ For I am the LORD your God 
   who takes hold of your right hand 
and says to you, Do not fear;